Sometimes I am only as strong as my coffee..

Sometimes I think maybe I should drop the number of coffees a day. Being hooked on it to a point that I feel like I’m going to dislocate my jaw with yawning in the morning before my first cup is a warning sign I guess. There’s so much I’m trying to drop and set free from. Sweets, occasional cigarette, wasting time on Netflix, night raid in the kitchen, but coffee will not be one of these.

We all start our day somehow. Wake up and curse the workday or feel relieved because it’s your day off. Fire up the pan for fried bacon and eggs, devour a bucket of porridge, like I do. Munch through a bowl of salad or fruit, or classic sandwich with peanut butter and jam. Enjoy a cup of tea or coffee and a cigarette, meditate or sit on a porcelain throne and drop it down. Work out or just scroll mindlessly on a phone. Some of these are definitely better than others, but that’s who we are. Not all needs to make sense and be healthy.

We all know how childish it is when we feel upset all day just because the morning started wrong. I should slap myself for every time I’ve been bitchy all day just because I woke up later than I wanted to. Who’s fault it is? My own. Just because I wasted time on Netflix till late night, now I am cranky till noon at least. Stupidity 2.0.

Savior in a roast..

My typical sluggish, half-asleep state needs to be resolved. Feeling like an extra in Walking Dead, my facial expression spot on zombie standards, the only thing missing is blood and decaying skin. From the moment I stand up from bed I know I just need to drink my usual pint of water and then coffee time! And nothing tops it when my better half brews one for us. Right up to my high standards of a fussy coffee drinker. Pure joy from the first sip. A journey of my brain finally starting up slowly like 15 years old computer with Windows downloaded illegally, missing all updates since it’s day one, filled with junk, cookies, and all the processes from the day before popping up already. With the last drop of coffee swallowed, the resurrection is completed! I see in 4K Ultra-HD, not some shabby 360p, with constant buffering and blurry images. I will handle this day! …Well, until 2 pm the latest, when the fuel from breakfast burns out and lunch just sat on my stomach and I need another dose of caffeine.

And that is how this thought came to life. Sometimes I really can only be as strong as my coffee in the morning. Being a slave to this drink. Like an obsessive, clingy teenage boyfriend who can’t cope with being away from his new hot girl which will eventually turn out to be a manipulative double face. But it’s too late now, he's deep in this emotional swamp, getting out this will be a rollercoaster.. or house of horrors.

A few years back I got a Christmas present from my wife, Lucia. She got me a stove espresso maker. I’ve entered another realm, I’ve reached the third base or like a teenage boy who discovered touching himself. I had to laugh at myself a few times when I went to bed at night. I was already thinking of grinding the fresh beans and looking at that coffee slowly filling up the tank of espresso maker. Full-on pathetic weirdo, I know.

“Sometimes I am only as strong as my coffee”, ink & water color pencils on paper, size A3

The artwork "Sometimes I am only a strong as my coffee".

The latest coffee-related piece I’ve done is the one above. An idea I had in my head and in sketches for a year. And finally, I took my time to get it done. From rough composition I wanted to achieve through figuring out the color scheme pretty much on the go, I finalized it to my satisfaction. It could be better, but as Dan Peña says “perfection is paralysis”, I accept my mistakes and learn from them.

The chap sitting calmly pouring his first cup from his shiny brew maker, clumsy on this warm summer morning he let a drop go. Welcoming this roasted aroma and warmth reaching his senses. Through the nose it feels like it’s engulfing his whole mind, opening a vast space of blending colors, emerging thoughts yet still so out of reach somewhere in the ether. Like a muse just looking at him, waiting for the right moment to whisper in his ear. Golden birds chirping and flying around. This little flock of unstoppable ideas, thoughts, and inspirations needs to find their space and order, learn to speak one by one. If he wants to get anything done right, these wee rascals need to be taken care of one after another. Like their mummy can feed only one at a time, he has to learn how to listen to a single song of theirs to understand and feel what is its message. A little mischievous cat always there at the back of his head distracting him, luring him into its little playful world. “Let’s leave this all and lay in the sun, roll in the grass, chase butterflies, climb the trees and explore”. It is not easy for him to stay in line. No matter how much he loves kitten’s life of joy, he knows there are things more important today. Little notebook and pen lying right on the edge of a table again. Soon to fall and get lost if he doesn’t focus on it and stay in line with his duties, plans, and visions. Nothing will grow from a dreamer's head, only from a worker's hands. While the chaps head may hold a house full of memories, filled with nostalgia sometimes weighing him down keeping him in, he knows that the new days stand in front of him. The focus goes down on the ground where the strong foundations are placed for a solid, real house to be built which will call for constant nourishment, honest hard work that gives its fruits, but mainly, a purpose we all need.

The 2nd. : Well, there might be something wrong...

With building my own website came a complicated situation. How to organize my artworks into only a few galleries for ease of use and orientation? Because of amount of various styles, I would need to create some load of sub-pages and galleries which then would end up with only a few works in them. 

 So the "Dark side" and "Bright side" emerged as a simplification of my works. Splitting my artwork with bit unclear measure into two main galleries alongside the tattoo gallery and one dedicated to skulls being all accessible right from homepage. 

 Now I will dissect the dark works a bit more.  Back in 2008 I needed some quality prints of my creations for a small concert/exhibition. Lot of effort for no feedback pretty much, but that's how it goes, had to learn my lesson and be more humble about my qualities, haha. 

 I went to a printing company where I actually worked for couple of months back in 2005 I think, so I knew the guys there. As my former supervisor was printing things for me, he took a look at my works. He saw some more mellow, fantasy style things and then pure dark and morbid ones. So he mentioned that he appreciates my works, but why do I do such a gloomy stuff, he asked. At that point of my life, I was young guy having dilemmas with current society,  culture, state of the world, where I couldn't see myself fitting in neatly. Standard teenage, younger person issues :D. So my response to his question was quite reflecting that. I said, that with what I see around ourselves, world we live in (whatever wars, corruption, injustice etc.).. these artworks are like reflection of how I perceive things, like an outlet of my emotions, my thoughts. His reply to that I remember to a single word. "Well, then there might be something wrong". Meaning with me.

I remember this work was one of those printed, so you can understand why the guy was bit uncertain about my state of mind :D

I didn't continue in this direction of our chat, I guess I didn't know what to say to him. Even when the negativity, the bad and horrible crap we can see around us is not my direct muse or inspiration for years, I guess it was part of my mental turmoils. My interest in seeing what the hell is going on around us is still there, I do read, watch or listen about current events geopolitics, culture, society etc., and it can be damn depressing. So I will put few more thoughts on this. 

 One can live in a bubble, wear a pink glasses or go down the negative downward spiral. None of these routes is right, for me it is about finding the right control of knowing the bad around us and accepting it and trying to make a happy life for myself and close people in my life if possible and just appreciate the nice things more. True is, now you can flood yourself with the most horrific stuff from around the globe within seconds online. That wasn't here some 20 years ago. Nobody can solve or mentally process all of that anyway. I'm starting to preach too much here :D

  I got quote for you which I heard a while ago and really resonated with me. "Being sane in an insane society, means being insane". So, yeah. True, I think. Whenever I go down that route of reading, watching and listening about how much is the world in a state of mess for too long, I have to regroup and shake up myself. But being completely oblivious to it, desensitised, blind folded is just being in delusion or insanity. 

  Sometimes I have to give myself emotional bitch slap and stop whining. World was always a mess, it was never perfect and never will be, that's how it is. I just need to see more of that good around me. Knowing the bad, accepting it or changing it if I can and live with positive approach.

 I have to say, the former workmate was right. There is something wrong with me :D. If I wouldn't see that I got some inner roller coaster, I would never think I need to improve and organize my head. And that's the positive side of it :) 

The end of emotional and spiritual rant... For now. 

The first blog

 Hello, folks.

Right on a funny, self critical note.. For some reason I am thinking somebody might be actually interested in what I think, so I decided to start blogging. I would like to open myself a bit to those who like my work, to give something more personal of what's behind my art as I enjoy other artists reveal their processes. Whether it's musicians, movie makers, painters, etc. Whenever I find out what is behind the scenes, it gives the art much more value, builds up my appreciation and it deepens the connection between artist, creation and me as a viewer, listener, consumer.  I got to say, I have a overload of inner chatter, too much thoughts, so I'd like to share those, too. But one brilliant quote says something like "if you don't have anything wise to say, be quiet". So it's a bit of a dilemma for me, haha.  Plan is to deliver one short blog a week with content mostly continuing from previous blog's train of thoughts (or flood of nonsense). Whenever I post up a blog, I will announce it on my facebook and instagram profiles. So enough of introduction, here it is. 

No.1 "Contemplating on one's creative process." 

One of the biggest puzzles of my own art path is actually the question which path to take. Looking on works I come up with, ideas which emerge in my head somehow spontaneously or those which are composed more consciously and being aware of what I want to draw or paint.. I end up wondering why do I always go after something totally different? Why can't I just follow one style, technique and get super awesome at it? If becoming awesome is actually possible for me I wonder, haha. 
  Sure, there are styles and techniques which are my favourites, but I'm always  sticking my head into new things. 
Back in 2005 when I worked for only a short period of time as a cameraman for a local TV, we covered a small meeting of Slovak illustrator with kids in a library in my hometown Vranov nad Toplou. As I looked through books he made illustrations for, I really appreciated the fact how differently each book was illustrated. Various styles, colour scales, approach and feel. Then during Q&A time I actually even asked how can he as an artist find always different ways how to do his illustrations. He himself, said that was a bit more professional question (after all questions from kids)... Shame on me for not remembering even a name of artist. His answer didn't give much light to my question, he seemed like that is simply part of his job and took it naturally. Now I see how far back I was always up for trying out new ways of expressing myself. With any technique or style I devoted myself to for some months or weeks I eventually became bored with, cornered or stuck on a plateau.. And I went on another route with the same ending after some time. What started to happen and still happens is merging and carrying of knowledge, practice and skills from one style to another, mutually improving each path. Now after years I keep on coming back to certain styles, moving them forward and improving, while keeping my eyes on new, like  digital art, but also banning myself from some, like airbrush, which I find as a too difficult and expensive to start with,

"Confusing, schizophrenic or maybe bipolar outcomes of my work?..a disorder of a portfolio :)"

I guess, I should ask more for open criticism of what people think about my actual work. If you'd like to criticise my stuff, please go for it. Either in comments or in email. My other half does it occasionally and it's a good educational slap across my ego. I can be self critical endlessly, but hearing it from others is very valuable.

From  my perspective, viewing my portfolio as a whole, it's a bit of a mess. Whenever I take a look at my Instagram feed, I find it weird that I post a total mix of works. Tattoos I do, then acrylic paintings, water colour pencil drawings/paintings, ink and pen drawings of various styles. From gloomy dark, through some blends of fantasy, modern styles to some fairy tale, cartoony, merry coloured works like some illustrations for kids' books. So my plan for upcoming weeks is to create different profiles on social media which will be dedicated to a specific line of my work or life, so that the viewer will get to see only what he really is into while having an option to follow also profiles with my other stuff. 

 If you ever were advised by somebody on your career, you definitely heard about picking your own niche, profession, focusing on one skill set, becoming best at it and gaining admirers of that particular thing, customers and employers looking for your specialty. Well, not my case. 
If I have to remain honest on my art journey and do what I want to do.. This is it. Always experimenting, always reaching for new. Creative exploration, which is also reflection of my thoughts, emotions and inspirations. So this is what Disorderart means. A name of my creative journey, which simply emerged out of it. 

 What about you? What are your creative puzzles? Do you feel entrapped by one style or are you all over the place like me? 
Share your own struggles and bugs in creativity, or drop me a comment on what do you think about my artworks or this first blog.